A Valentine's Tale.

Happy fucking Valentine's day folks! You know, I wish I didn't have to resort to swearing, but nothing conveys sarcasm or disillusionment quite like a well placed swear word. Here is how this useless little holiday came about, or at least my version of it:

In January 1910, the CEO's of the nation's biggest candy companies, card companies and novelty item manufacturers met in a basement in Arkansas to discuss the upcoming seasonal slump in their respective businesses. For some reason the period from February to April each year brought about horrid results, and they could not figure out why. This year they had been summoned by Mr. Hallmark for an emergency meeting. With a gleam in his eye and a spring in his step, Hallmark rose from his seat and began to speak. He stopped and glanced angrily at Mr. Hershey, who was unsuccessfully trying to clean the ever-present chocolate smudge from his rosy left cheek. With an apologetic look, Mr. Hershey indicated he was ready.

Mr. Hallmark: Fellas, every year at this time we are forced, due to lack of funds, to cancel polo games and hunting trips and scale back our purchases of Cuban cigars. In some cases, we have even had to reduce the number of Thai prostitutes we import to service our carnal desires. (at this remark, the other CEO's recoiled in horror) Tonight this ends!

Mr. Hershey: Hear, hear!

Mr. Heart Shaped Balloon: Right-0! Jolly good!

Mr. Hallmark continued: This savage time, so far from Mother's Day, Father's Day and Christmas has been our Achille's heel for too long. So I propose we start a new holiday, one so deviously clever that it will pressure husbands, boyfriends, wifes and girlfriends to spend ,without hesitation, their hard earned dollars on the unnecessary shit that we peddle so relentlessly. I call it... Lover's Day!

Mr. Hallmark laughed loudly and joyfully, as if he had just figured out how his Thai hooker did that little ping pong trick she does so artfully.

Mr. Hershey: Lover's Day? Damn dude, that's some cheesy ass shit. It does have a nice ring to it though. But hang on a second, people aren't going to buy our crap just because we make up a holiday. It needs some class, it needs to be official, you know. It needs some actual meaning.

Mr. Heart Shaped Balloon: By golly I think I've got it. The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane!

Mr. Hershey and Hallmark expected this sort of inane remark from Balloon. He did, after all, make balloons for a living. Sometimes they wondered how much of the helium he ordered was for personal use. However this time Balloon was actually onto something.

Mr. Heart Shaped Balloon: Well how about naming this holiday after a saint? Those damn saints have so much street cred it's off the hook.

Mr. Hershey: Fo shizza ma nizza.

Mr. Heart Shaped Balloon: We'll call it Valentine's day, after St. Valentine.

Mr. Hallmark: I love it. Now, I've been thinking. Profit reports come out at the end of February, so obviously it would be better if Valentine's Day came before then. And since 14 is the number of Thai prostitutes currently waiting in my bed to ravage me, let's make it February 14th.

Mr. Hershey and Mr. Heart Shaped Balloon: Tremendous old chap!

And there you have it. A tradition was born. That year Hershey, Hallmark and Balloon recorded record profits, and raided the streets of Bangkok like never before.

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PEACE OUT.